Difficult decisions and moving forward
Losing my father changed me in ways I can’t describe to people. And that is pretty damn hard for a writer. But sometimes you can’t simply exactly say what you’re feeling. Or maybe I just haven’t found the right words.
My father was my support, my hero, he served as my example. He motivated me to always go a hundred percent for something and encouraged me to fulfill my goals and dreams. But he also taught me to find a good balance between being ambitious and being happy. Because what is having a good paying job and a nice house worth if you’re feeling awful? He taught me to live life to the fullest. Because my father was full of life. He enjoyed every day, every second. The day he died, the joyful piece in my heart died a little bit as well. I know for sure that it will heal, but it takes time.
Traveling is for me the perfect plaster on a wound that is still healing, even after months. The loss of my father will always remain a scrape, but within time the pain will be less and you remember how you got that wound. You remember the nice moments together. Lauging about silly things. All the years he was there for me, simply by sitting next to me and being there. The times that he was frustrated when he tried to explain math to me. The moments that he woke up at 4 am to catch a big spider in my room. The unconditional love. The wound will always be a reminder of what a great man my father was.
A path with two roads
I was doubting the last few months. Maybe I want security. No fears. Being home and spend time with my family and friends. But I also know that that’s not in my nature, in my DNA. That is not my goal or my dream. Even when I was just a little child I always said that I don’t want to spend the rest of my live in the Netherlands. I want to explore the world, look for adventures. I want to be inspired by other people and cultures. I want to see the sunset at as many different places in the world as I can imagine. I want to immortalize moments with my pen and camera. I want to gain new experiences. Share information with other people. And the Netherlands is simply too small for such big dreams.
I was standing on a path with two different roads and I asked myself many questions. Should I stay in the Netherlands to support my mother and sister? How is a serious relationship possible with my impulsive lifestyle? What will I lose if I leave my home behind? What should I do if I’m going to feel alone, in a room full of people? What if I get too many disappointments? What if I choose the wrong road and I can’t return? But after many conversations and thoughts I finally made a choice.
It feels strange to write all these thoughts down, to immortalize the words. But I also lost a heavy burden, a weight on my shoulders. I’m going to do something that I’m really enthusiastic about, something that makes my heart beats faster, something I want to 24/7. I love sharing stories with people. I want to write about beautiful places and special people. I want to realize some ideas for documentaries that I’ve had for so long. I want to visit volunteer projects and do something good for the world. I want to take my travelblog to the next level. Perhaps those plans are too big for a small girl like me, but I owe it to my father to give it at least a try. I still have a few months in the Netherlands for handling some business and there are also some trips in Europe planned. Soon I’m going to search for some cheap one-way tickets to Central America. Once I’m there, I start my own adventure and see what’s going on on the road.